


Beats Without Angel

by please_give_me_that_pen_back



Category: Angel Beats!
Genre: M/M, Otonashixnaoi, Yaoi, bring on the yaoi, otonashi x naoi, such fun, yay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-05
Updated: 2015-08-02
Packaged: 2018-03-05 11:04:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3117815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/please_give_me_that_pen_back/pseuds/please_give_me_that_pen_back
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Kanade disappeared, Otonashi got his heart back. But something's missing... His heart's beating... But they're beats without angel. His life's been shattered, and only Naoi can pick up the pieces. Otonashi x Naoi.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Beats Without Angel: A New Beginning

"KANADE!" I shouted hopelessly into the empty sky. The lack of response and sudden loneliness left me pained. My mind aching for the girl I lost.

I fell on my knees and flailed my arms as if hoping to reclaim her from the sky... But she was gone... She just disappeared... Like she was never there in the first place...

I sat there for what must have been hours, just trying to get grips with what had happened. The tears just kept coming –tears that I knew were no longer in my control.

She was gone... Just like that. And now I'm never going to see her again...

My mind was clouded with thoughts of dread and deceit, when one sparked in my head; did people even remember what happened here after they move on..? The thought hit me harder then a rock, the match was ignited and now the thought wouldn't leave my mind. Would Kanade even remember me...? Would she be born like any other human being without the slightest recollection of what had happened between them? Would she fall in love with someone...?

I began to recompose myself and I slowly stood, forcing the thoughts aside. I tried to make myself think clearly, but the lack of realism was making it increasingly harder. It felt like... It wasn't actually happening. Once the pain wore off I just felt... numb. Everything suddenly seemed so surreal, like I'd wake up and it would just be a bad dream. I'd wake up... and Kanade would be there...

She would tell me that she loved me and I would hold her in a tight embrace. Then I'd tell her about my dream and we'd both laugh it off like a silly nightmare and she'd promise to never leave me...

But that wasn't reality... THIS was reality. This was real... and nothing I could ever do would change that.

I looked at my hands as if trying to prove they were real and that Kanade was in fact, gone.

'What will I do now!?' My mind screamed to me whilst I silently begged the sky for a non-existent answer. I then felt a warmth in my chest; a beat. Of course. Kanade had my heart... but now she's gone... and now my heart belongs to me again... But something was missing... My heart is beating... But there's no Angel... My heart's missing Kanade. And for as long as she's gone, my heart won't be full.

Just beats without an Angel.

I clenched my hands that I was still staring at. I was now certain without a shadow of doubt she was gone... and I hated it.

There's no one left now, no one but me. I am alone. 'What am I going to do' I thought to myself darkly. I can't move on... Not now... My minds to empty to let me. And what of the people that come after me? Are they destined to move round in circles like the SSS did for so long? No. I can't let that happen. I have to stay, to help the people find peace!

But how can I do that!? Could I really force myself to help others? To get close to them and lose them like I did with all the others? Meeting and losing people until I becomes completely consumed by the loneliness and succumb to insanity?  
I can't do that! I won't! But... what other choice do I have?

I dropped my hands and looked to the sky "Is this what it's like, Kanade? Is this what it's like to be forced to live on in a world where your friends are gone?' I asked to the sky, knowing an answer would never come. The sky's so beautiful, it should make me happy but instead... I just feel sorrow...

I had really come to face it now... No matter what would happen, I was bound to a life of sacrifice. That was all life had ever been to me... Sacrifice. I sacrificed my childhood to help my sister, my adulthood to become a doctor... even my very life force to help the people on the train... And now I had no choice but to sacrifice everything to help people in the future pass on. After going through all that I thought at very least I would get something back from the world- Kanade, for whom I donated my heart. But no... I even had to sacrifice her. And what do I get in return? Yes, I got my heart back... but it was an empty heart; just beats without Angel.

"Is this what you want God!?" I thought bitterly to the sky. The sorrow that I had was now mixed with rage, which then turned to resentment... then despair.

"I'm all alone..." I said to the floor.

"Otanashi...?" I heard a voice say behind my back. My eyes widened. 'I know that voice...' I turned around, sure that I was wrong, but... I was right... "Naoi..."How was this possible...? He passed on... I saw him pass on. But here he is, right before my eyes in the light of day. With the same dark green hair and piercing eyes. He gave me a worried yet comforting smile of admiration while I could only respond with a confused gaze.

I then noticed my eyes were still teary, which probably explained his worried expression. This isn't real... He isn't here. I tried to tell myself. Out of nowhere Naoi ran up to me and hugged me in a surprisingly strong but friendly hug. His hands wrapped around me gave me a warmth I longed for. And I was more then happy to accept this much needed company. But as happy as having a friend made me feel I couldn't shake the confusion.

When Naoi finally let go I put my hands on his shoulders, "How are you...?" I said sterner then I meant to, unable to finish the sentence. I then noticed something, Naoi looked just as confused as me. "I-I-I... I don't know.." He replied. I shook him slightly; desperate for anwsers. "But you dissapeared!" I exclaimed no longer thinking about my choice in words. "I-I-I know... I mean I did! But..." He looked down as if in deep thought, "I came back..." He finished.

"But why!?" I said so loudly it was almost a shout. Naoi put his hands on my arms which were still tightly holding onto his shoulders. I loosened my grip slightly when he looked me in the eye sympathetically. "I... I think it's because you were sad... I'm not at peace if your not... and that brought me back..." I blinked a couple of times. Could this be true? Was Naoi's love for a friend like me so strong that it could bring him back to the afterlife? And another thing, how did Naoi know how I felt whilst he wasn't even potentially here? "I think it's because my mind abilities are getting... stronger." He said and took his hands from my elbows and grabbed my wrists. It took me a moment to realise before I noticed something, I didn't say that out loud... "Wait, y-y-you..." I stuttered and Shouted at the same time." Naoi nodded, "Yes Otanashi, I knew you were sad because... I could feel your pain. And that is what lead me here"

I felt completely taken aback, Naoi had more then mind control powers he was a telepathic. Suddenly a wave of guilt washed over me and my arms flexed in Naoi's grip. "You mean to tell me... I'm the reason you're stuck here..." I said and looked down at the floor. I felt Naoi's grip on my wrist drop and I looked up to see what he was doing. He looked at me, more determined then ever. "Yes. And I wouldn't have it any other way!" He smiled at me, "I want to stay here with you! To help guide souls and help them pass on!" I was surprised with how resolute he sounded, his determination, his courage. What I did to earn his admiration, I'll never know.

"I-I...I can't" I said blankly and turned around so my back was facing Naoi. I didn't want him to know I was crying... I heard his voice soften as he spoke the next words "It's what she would want..." I clenched my fists. Every mention of her sent needles through my mind. "It doesn't matter, because I'm never going to see her again," I said coldly. Naoi put a hand on my shoulder softly, "Even if she does completely forget you, you'll meet her again. Because you two are meant to be together. Because your bond is stronger then fate."

I closed my eyes. Naoi's words echoed through my head, repeating themselves over and over. Easing the pain ever so slightly. "Do you... Do you really think so?" I asked and stared at his hand resting on my shoulder. "Yes, I'm almost certain!"

Almost!? What the hell was that meant to mean!? I thought to myself. "You will meet again..." Naoi started. I blinked a couple of times before remembering he could read my mind. "But, on the odd chance you never do- on the slightest slither of a chance." He added hastily "It won't matter. Because you are Otanashi and I know that you will get past this, because you can get past anything! Because you are strong, stronger then I could ever be. Yes, it hurts now. But one day... The pain will stop." As Naoi spoke these words of encouragement I felt a bulk of hope build up inside me.

Yes, I can get through this. The same way I got through the loss of my sister... Maybe... just maybe... I can get through the loss of Kanade. One day...

I rose my head and gave a determined smile. For the first time since Kanade vanished, I wasn't confused. Everything seemed clearer now, the world presented itself in a new light. I no longer saw staying here as a curse, but an opportunity.

Naoi's hand dropped from my shoulder and he gave a proud smile, obviously taking my smile as a sign of acceptance. My determined smile... That was all he needed to know my response. I gave him a serious look "Are you sure? If you agree to stay here, then there's no going back." Naoi nodded immediately with the admiring smile he so often gives me. "Yes! I will follow you to the grave if I have to! Besides, being god gets lonely sometimes! " I laughed slightly and poked him in the head. "So it's settled! You and I shall stay here, we'll help people find peace together!" I said as we banged our fists together to seal the deal. " I promise to never leave you Otanashi! Now... Can we go get some food..? I'm starving... Being obliterated really makes you hungry..." He said fidgeting with his hands and feet like an idiot. I chuckled slightly. "Sure thing kiddo, you go ahead I'll join you in just a minute." I said to him. He looked up at me with a face of excitement. "Okay! I promise to save a place for you!" He said running off.

I smiled as I watched Naoi run off into the distance. Naoi, does our friendship really run so deep that you'd be there for me even after the afterlife? 'Hm,' I mumbled to myself. Oh Naoi, friends like you are hard to find...

I couldn't help but ponder a final question though, why didn't we both disappear jut now? I have my heart back, and thanks to Naoi I found peace. Doesn't that mean I should have passed on? And the only thing holding Naoi back was me, so shouldn't he have passed along when he saw I was happy? I thought about it for only a few moments before the answer struck me. I couldn't pass along because I didn't want to leave Naoi alone. And Naoi couldn't pass along because he didn't want to leave me alone... And more importantly, neither of us wanted to...

I turned around to grab the railing with both hands as I looked to the sky. Kanade was gone, and it hurt. But Naoi, was right; it wont hurt forever. I'll just have to trust in the hope we'll meet again. Like how I hope that one day I'll meet my sister...

But even if we do never meet again, I know that I'll always get by. Because that's what you would want me to do. Right Kanade? Maybe she gave my heart back as a way of telling me to survive without her. And maybe she was right... Maybe it was about time that I started living for myself.

And yes, it does hurt that I can't see her. And yes, until we meet again my heart will never be full. But I know I'll get by. Like I always have.

My Angel Beats may be missing it's Angel...

But it continues to beat...

So I promise to you Kanade...

I will continue...

For my heart still beats

It just beats with no Angel.


	2. Hope In A Friend

I stood there for a few more moments saying my final goodbyes to the sky. I closed my eyes and smiled, I wasn't happy, not by a long shot. But I was content; I was content because I had hope. And at the moment, that was enough.

I still wouldn't go as far as to say I'd reached 'closure,' but I was damn sure I was getting there. I knew that this wouldn't be easy, and the worst was probably yet to come. But I could face that later, and when I do, I'll be ready.

But no matter what comes, Naoi will be with me all the way. I have hope in a friend, which is all I need. Naoi. Crap, I agreed to meet him.

I only stressed over the thought for a moment before simply shrugging, he's patient, I'm sure he wont mind me being a few minutes late. I walked down the stairs and into the school canteen. I looked around for a few moments before seeing Naoi on his own with his head intently looking at his food. I couldn't help but smile, I don't think I've ever seen someone this hungry before...

I ordered my Mapo Tofu as usual and started walking towards Naoi.

I had only been walking for a couple of seconds before he noticed me and started motioning for me to join him excitedly.

I smiled and sat opposite him. 'Hi, Otanashi!' He said. 'So urm... Are you okay?' Naoi seemed to be trying to pass this off as a casual question, but I could tell he was worried about me. It made me feel bad... but at the same time, (though I hated to admit it) I kinda loved the attention. Maybe it's because I've always been worrying about others, but it was nice to have someone worry about me.

'I just have a lot to deal with. But i'm fine, really!' I replied confidently and honestly. I had realised it would be useless to lie, he could read my mind after all. Naoi slightly smiled at me before returning his attention to his food. We spent the next few minutes eating in a comfortable silence, that is until Naoi saw what I was eating . 'Is that... Mapo Tofu...? How can you eat that stuff?' He asked me with an eyebrow raised.

A memory suddenly washed over me and there was nothing I could do to prevent a sad smile plastering itself on my face. 'It was Kanade's favourite...' I replied. Naoi looked at the floor guilty, 'I'm sorry, I didn't meant to-'

'It's okay.' I interrupted. 'I'm just... I'm just happy I got to know her, ya know?' He looked back up at me and smiled, 'Yeah, I know what you mean.' He said sympatheticaly. 'What does that mean?' I asked him quizzically. Naoi looked down at his bowl 'Well... I kinda liked someone, and I knew they didn't like me back, but, being friends with them was enough!' he said and smiled. I couldn't help but be curious on who he was talking about, he doesn't seem like the type to get close to girls easily. Though of course I was careful to hide my curiosity.

'So what's the plan?' I asked in attempt to change the conversation. 'Hmm...?' Naoi asked. 'I mean with the whole saving soul business? How do you suggest we do it? And how will we know the difference between the people who came here and the people who were always here?' Naoi looked down with his hand on his chin in deep thought for a few more moments before looking back at me. 'Well, finding them shouldn't be too hard. Monitering the school system is shockingly easy. I'll just wait until someone unexpectedly joins the school and we have our target! How we'll do it is a different matter though, I guess we'll just deal with that when the time comes.' I nodded, I've always wondered how he does that; One moment he's cute as a button and another he's serious enough to kill. I've met a lot of one dimensional people in my time, and Naoi's defiantly not one of them. He is indeed brilliantly complex, in a way that could almost be described as divine. Hell, maybe that whole 'I'm god' business isn't as far fetches as it seems.

I saw Naoi proudly smile to himself. Shit, he read my mind again.

'Would you... Stop doing that...?' I asked a little agitated. He chuckled guilty and rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. 'Sorry... Haven't quite figured out how to control it...' We ate for a few more moments in silence before Naoi made an uncomfortable groan. I raised my head with an eyebrow raised to see what was going on. Naoi took a couple of pills and drank some water. He saw my quizzical gaze and held his forehead. 'Urgh, it hurts like hell. I can just hear everyone. All these loud thoughts jumbled up in my head, it hurts like a bitch!'

I couldn't help but almost laugh at him saying 'bitch'. Naoi wasn't exactly the kind of person to use bad language, which makes it all the more amusing when he does. 'Wanna go somewhere quieter?' I asked him in which he painfully nodded. We got up to leave for the roof in silent agreement.

The weather was remarkably great that day. It was one of those days that you get in late summer; it was still warm, but the air was cool. And every so and then a gentle breeze would pass by. It was one of those days, and I truly did love it. I smelt the air and grinned, the lingering smell of freshly mowed lawn had mixed with the frosty essence of early winter.

I stood leaning on the wall as I watched Naoi take in a deep breath of air and happily stretch his arms to his sides. He walked around the roof for a few minutes aimlessly, enjoying the peace and quiet. He did it in a way I could almost describe as... graceful. Yes, that's the word, graceful.

'Graceful am I?' He asked in a teasing tone. I mentally slapped myself. Stop. Thinking.

'I-...well-...urr-' I stuttered, unsure of my intentions.

He chuckled nervously, 'Sorry... I really need to learn how to control it, don't I..?' He said in a sweet and awkward tone. I couldn't help but feel a little part of me shatter from his kind hearted tone. I softened a little and smirked, 'It's okay, it's... actually kind of nice...' I admitted. Naoi in response looked relieved, almost like... he expected me to get angry... But I'd never be angry at him, he knew that... Right..?

'No, no, no!' He said quickly. 'I just... I mean... I-I know you'd never get angry with me... It's just... I'd gotten so used to people being angry with me. People used to yell at me all the time, half of the time I didn't even know why... I guess it's just instinct.' He played with his hands nervously and looked at the ground like he would burst into tears.

A burst of guilt ran through me and I cursed my mind. I was so busy thinking about my past I barely spared a thought about Naoi's. Maybe I should have shown more of an interest... I ran up to him and hugged him without a second thought. 'It's okay, you know I'll never be angry with you.' I said to him. To be truthful, I actually have a lot of trouble being comforting to people. But with Naoi, it just kind of came naturally. He buried his face in my chest and cried silently. I brushed my hand through his hair, Christ, was his hair always this soft?

'..Hey... Otanashi..?'His words suddenly brought me back to reality and I realized I was still holding him, though he didn't seem to complain, so I didn't move. 'Yeah?' I responded. 'Remember when you said you liked that I could read your mind, what did you mean?' He asked and we both slowly pulled away from each other.

I was slightly surprised he was still thinking about what I said... 'I meant... what I said.' I knew that answer wouldn't be enough, but I kind of wanted to avoid some kind of heart to heart. It wasn't that I didn't love talking to Naoi, but I wasn't really ready to have another emotional talk. Something else was making me feel slightly uncomfortable and confused too, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

'Yeah but... what does that mean..?' I looked at my feet deciding it was inevitable. 'I guess it's because now... I know someone can understand me. Someone can show me...' I paused thinking of the right word, '..sympathy...' I decided.

He smirked a little, 'empathy'

'Urr.. what?' I felt a little uplifted seeing his new found confidence.

'Empathy. The word's empathy.' He said and smiled, for himself this time. And I admit, the smile was infectious.

'Oh?' I asked with an eyebrow raised.

'Sympathy is acknowledging someone's troubles. Empathy is understanding' He said with a cocky grin on his face.

I must confess, I love it when he does this. It seems to piss most people, but me? I love it. I feel somewhat prideful for him when I see his proud look. I laughed a little, then he started to giggle. Before we knew it we were both laughing like a bunch of drunk nitwits.

We eventually started to calm down and sat next to each other smiling. I don't think either of us were sure about why it was so funny. Maybe we were both just missing the silliness from the old SSS. It was something I had always taken for granted while I was with them, It was only now I realised I missed it... They may have been dysfunctional, Idiotic and insane; but they sure new how to make me laugh. I looked to my right to see Naoi mesmerised by the clouds. Though maybe I don't need them to make me laugh any more...Naoi came out of his trance and started blushing. I was actually starting to enjoy him hearing my thoughts. It made me feel... important. I gave an amused look at Naoi's red face and messed his hair up with my hand. 'Time to go kiddo,' I announced getting up. I was stopped when Naoi grabbed my hand. 'Wait!' I stopped. 'Something on your mind?' I asked. Naoi smiled sweetly, 'I just... wanted to say thank you... for everything' I squeezed his small tender fingers and gave a reassuring smile, 'Well then... Thank you to you too.'

We slowly let go of each others hands and Naoi bolted for the exit. 'Beat you there!' I grinned and started running to the exit. 'Not if I beat you first!' I yelled after him.

Naoi, you gave me the hope I needed to continue, thank you. I realize I can never pay you back, but in return I will try to give you whatever hope I can. Naoi... I put all my hope in a friend.


	3. Existence Of Fallacies

It's strange to think it's been a week... It felt like it was just an hour ago that I lost Kanade, but at the same time so much had happened that I would have sworn it was a year ago... It was almost like an eternity had passed, but in a world with no time. Though then again... Maybe that's true.

Time doesn't pass here, not for us anyway. We can't expire or die; the only world in which that's possible is a world without time. Which begs the question, does time even exist here at all? But then again, this is applying normal a logic to a world completely abnormal. Hell, according to Earth logic this whole place shouldn't exist... and maybe it doesn't. Who's to say anything really exists.

Though in the end, it doesn't matter if it's real or not. I am here. That is something I'm sure of, so if it's a dream or reality, real or not, we must keep fighting. And maybe it isn't real, but when you're fighting for what you believe in, it doesn't matter.

I know, stupid right? I always have been quite a deep thinker, probably too deep for my own good, but I can't seem to stop. Every night when I lie down my head becomes clouded with doubt, every fibre of my body trying to explain each and every fallacy that surrounds me. The doubt… these fallacies of broken logic lying in shards signifying nothing! I try and push the thoughts aside, but it's too late, the match is ignited and my mind's been lit.

It's consumed me.

There's so many fallacies in logic that it's gotten to the extent were the existence of fallacies is all I believe in. Everything I believed in was shattered when I came here, everything I thought I knew was proven wrong; a fallacy... A fallacy like Angel. For the SSS, Angel was our fallacy. We spent so long thinking she was the antagonist... I just wish I'd figured out the truth sooner.

"Otanashi? Are you even listening to me!?" I snapped out of my thoughts unaware of my surroundings. "Huh? Oh... Sorry... Could you explain that to me again?" Naoi sighed irritably, "It's okay, I'll start from the beginning..."

We were working in the SSS headquarters as we usually do, or to be more specific he worked. I just sat here. I've never been good at going through files, I never really have been. Ask me to stitch someone up; easy! But ask me to go through some paperwork and... well that's a different issue. In the end we came to a silent agreement that he'd do the paper work, I'd do the practical. In other words; He finds the souls, I help them pass on. We haven't actually seen anyone yet though, so that leaves me with absolutely nothing to do.

It turns out he's actually a major workaholic, which I guess he always has been. Though I never seemed to notice before for some reason... I guess that's just another one of my many fallacies. He'd be up until midnight shuffling around with papers. He'd become... obsessed. I couldn't help but feel kind of bad. Naoi was always working, and I didn't even know what to do. Not to mention my chronic daydreaming which I seem to be doing more often than not nowadays. He doesn't seem to mind too much though, he always did have a lot of patience for me... A patience I don't know if I deserve...

Over the past week Naoi finally learned how to control his mind reading abilities, after which he hastily promised to never read my mind again. I honestly didn't care though, I'd gotten used to him reading my mind, but he insisted saying that reading my mind would show disloyalty. I guess he wanted to prove he trusted me.

As for me, having my heart back's began causing... complications. I've started having agonising chest pains, and every so and then my heart just seems to... Stop, and go cold. I haven't told Naoi though, I'm scared he'll worry, which he defiantly doesn't need. It's not that I don't want to tell him, but I've already put him through so much, this is something I'll just have to face on my own. Not that it matters, it's not like it's anything serious... right...?

"Okay, got it?" Naoi asked when he finally finished. "Yeah, I think so," I replied hesitantly. Admittedly, I couldn't understand most of what he was saying; too many technical terms. But from what I could gather nothing interesting was happening.

Without even a second thought Naoi's head was back down on his scattered papers. I couldn't help but worry about him, this amount of stress can't be healthy. But I never felt comfortable asking, so I didn't.

Whist Naoi was thoroughly cross-checking the system, I found myself once again indulged in my thoughts. Whilst I pondered my thoughts I realised how quiet everything was, I guess it's because I spent so long trying to adapt to how noisy SSS was that I'd forgotten what silence felt like. SSS was by all means a flawed group, but one thing they could always do without fail was cause a commotion. And hell, I missed it!

It was times like this that I really started to miss them, when I realise their petty quarrels and bashful comments are gone. The little things that I took for granted.

"I miss them…" I muttered quietly in a barely audible voice.

Naoi raised his head with an eyebrow raised, "Sorry, what did you say?"

I shook my head, bringing Naoi down would probably be a bad idea. "It's nothing…" I replied. Naoi scowled, even without his mind reading abilities he can tell when something's up. "I just… I miss them…" I said, finally giving in.

Naoi gave me a comforting yet sad look. "Do youmiss them?" I asked him softly, though inside I knew it was a bad idea to ask… Naoi put the papers down and stared at the floor guiltily. It was then I realised that I pulled a string, and the events to come were set in motion.

"No. I don't." I blinked a couple of times, this really wasn't the response I was expecting. Naoi started shuffling his feet in self-loathing, I knew that he didn't want to feel this way. I softened my gaze, but I couldn't shake the curiosity. I wasn't entirely sure what to do, I wanted to comfort him, but I didn't know how. Luckily Naoi noticed this, and thankfully he didn't leave me hanging.

"It's just… Well, you won't like me for saying this, but I didn't really like any of them. They never respected me, none of them even tried to be nice to me. They just laughed at me…" I was aghast, I never knew this was how Naoi felt. I mentally slapped myself, of course Naoi felt like this. How'd I not notice sooner? Naoi was always pushed around, always labelled as nothing more than a sense of comic relief. All he ever wanted was acceptance, even before SSS, in his first life. He never seemed to care though, perhaps that's why I didn't notice… Maybe I should have looked closer. I extended a hand and laid it on Naoi's arm gently. I felt gushes of guilt run through me when I realised he was on the brink of tears. I ran my hand up and down his arm in attempt to comfort him.

Naoi was trying to prevent the tears from falling, but they were no longer in his control. With tears rolling down his cheek he started stuttering, "I-I-I'm… s-sorry… I d-don't …. I mean… I-I-I want to like them… I just-"

"It's okay," I interrupted. I didn't want to put him through any more pain and hastily pulled him into a hug. "I'm sorry, I should have noticed sooner. I should have done something, but I didn't." Naoi's face was now covered in tears, which he had given up trying to hold back. I cradled him in my arms, once again stuck in my thoughts. I had always seen Kanade as the SSS's fallacy, I thought it was her we misperceived. I had never put much thought in the idea that it was Naoi we also misperceived, but maybe that was our real fallacy. Believing that Naoi was really okay with people laughing at him. Then again, maybe that's just what we wanted to believe. We should have known better, I should have known better…All Naoi ever wanted was a sense of acceptance and equality. A sense I never gave him…

A familiar sharp pain rippled to my heart and a cold feeling washed over me. Except this time it was much worse than before. I pushed Naoi away and fell to my knees clutching my chest as I let out an agonised groan.

"Otanashi!" He shouted and crouched down to me. "What's wrong!?" He said shaking me by my shoulders. I slowly felt the coldness slip away and with that I felt my ability to breathe began to return. I gradually brought my breathing back to a normal pace and swallowed deeply. I had tried so hard to keep it from him, so hard. It doesn't seem fair, he's already helped me in so many ways, he shouldn't be forced to deal with my burdens on top of everything else. Once I was in control of myself again I raised my head to see Naoi with a terrified, concerned yet ultimately confused look on his face. "W-w-what just happened…?" He asked, though I could sense a little part of him was too terrified to know.

Lying seemed futile at this point, he was too good at figuring out when something was wrong and I was a terrible liar. "It's nothing, I've been getting chest pains. That's all." I tried to pass it off as casual statement, but I guess he knows me too well.

"Chest pains? Does that happen a lot?" He asked me, a little too worriedly for my taste. "Well, yeah. But it's nothing big-"

"Otanashi! This is serious! Are you forgetting that you just got your heart back!?" I was shocked beyond belief, I've never seen Naoi so serious and- dare I say- angry. "I-I-I'm sorry, I didn't want to worry you..." I stuttered back. "But don't you get it? I LIKE worrying about you, it makes me feel important! Do you know what that means to me? The feeling of importance that I haven't had in my entire life!? It means EVERYTHING to me!" I blinked a couple of times, I felt practically spellbound. "Naoi…. I'm so sorry, I had no idea you felt this way…"

Naoi softened up and smiled sweetly and held out a hand to me, "it's okay, we can face whatever's going on later. Just… promise me you won't hide anything else from me, okay?"

The comfort Naoi offered me sent vibes through my body. A vibe I couldn't explain… Kind of like a warm flutter in my chest. I couldn't quite tell what it was… Though I'll face that later, along with everything else I need to deal with.

I smiled and shook his hand, "Okay then, I promise."

Indeed, we can't prove anything exists. The promises we make, the secrets we keep, the friends we make and memories we hold… who's to say any of them exist.

But whether they exist or not has no relevance. For as long as I have control over me, I'll live how I want. I confess, I may not have control of myself forever. One day my life may lie in the hands of my friends, family or even foe, but until then, I belong to me.

So yes, we can't prove anything exists. And I'm still in a place where fallacies are all I believe in, fallacies like Naoi…

The only thing I can do now is hope, and then maybe there will be a world outside the existence of fallacies.


	4. Truth For A Truth

Two weeks… Two weeks and still absolutely nothing… I suppose that's a good thing, it means more people are living a fulfilled life. But hell does it make my job more repetitive. Naoi seems perfectly entertained being four feet deep in paperwork, but me? Well… That's another story.

I've started keeping a diary just to fill up some of my spare time, I've actually started becoming quite fond of it. I guess it's just something I never had the time for before. Naoi's fun to talk to, though he never has time for me anymore. He's always doing paperwork, always. My chest pains are hurting less, though they're twice as frequent now. I've given up on trying to hide it from Naoi, I learnt that was a bad idea the hard way. Now whenever I show the slightest discomfort he's at my side. And to be honest, I'm loving the attention. So much so I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a couple of times I'd faked chest pains just to get the attention. I know it's needy, and I'm not proud of it. But what can I say? I'm lonely, and loneliness is almost like…. like…. A drug. Yes, that works. Loneliness is a drug.

As Naoi finished his work he threw his head back. "Anything?" I asked him. He sighed loudly "Absolutely nothing…" I walked over to his desk and shut his laptop, "So, you're done?" He groaned but nodded. "So…. What do we do now?" He asked. I smiled, I finally had his attention.

"I guess we could…. Play a game?" I suggested. Naoi raised an eyebrow, "A game?" I nodded, "Yeah…. Like…..hmmm…. What about truth or dare?" Naoi widened his eyes "No way, I can't stand doing dares." He replied frantically. "Why don't we just play truths then?" I suggested laughing slightly at his innocence. Naoi smiled and nodded.

"Okay, you first. Ask me anything." I told him. Naoi scowled and raised a hand to his chin in thought. "Urm….What's your favourite colour?" He asked me. I almost laughed at the simplicity, though I guess it's a start. I thought for a moment. "Blue, like the sky. I like the way it brightens up the sky after a night of darkness." Naoi smiled admirably, "That's beautiful…" I heard him mutter. I smiled back and couldn't help but blush slightly.

"So, what's your favourite colour?" I asked deciding to simply rebound the question. "Red." Naoi answered almost a little too quickly. "Oh…. Why's that?" He smirked, "It's a secret." There was a short silence that rippled through the air.

"My turn," He said. "Have you ever loved anyone? Other than Kanade I mean." I blinked a couple of times, what the hell brought that on. "I don't think so," I answered shocking even myself. I don't think so!? Why would I give such an obscure answer!? I saw him a raise an eyebrow. "No!" I shouted far too sharply causing Naoi to jump. I was left aghast at the way I responded, it was almost like... I was trying to defend myself… and I didn't know why…

"Sorry…. Sensitive subject?" He asked in a soft apologetic voice. When I realised how hurt Naoi looked I felt myself break inside. That's when I felt a familiar sharp pain hit. I used my arms just in time to stop myself from falling to the floor – though it was difficult because my arms now seemed to have the consistency of paper.

Naoi gasped catching me by the arm. When I regained posture he dug through a bag by his desk and handed me a couple of painkillers (as he usually does). "I'm sorry… bad question," He muttered as he sat next to me and put a hand on my shoulder. "No, it's not your fault. I should have responded better…" As I raised my head I realised how close he was to me. I suddenly felt as if I was being suffocated, but for some reason I kind of like it. I took a deep breath and put my hands on my knees to support myself.

"I… I don't know if I've ever loved anyone else…" I confessed. "I mean, I feel like I should say no as if it's blindingly obvious. But saying it just feels…wrong" He took his hand and placed it on mine causing me to flinch. I knew it was just to be comforting, but I couldn't shake this feeling. Maybe I've just spent too much time on my own…

He gave my hand a slight squeeze before letting go, "I understand. Anyway, I believe it's your turn." I smirked, admittedly I wasn't sure if we were continuing. Though I was glad we were.

"Who do you like?' I asked him in a slightly suggestive tone. He bit his lips, "I can't tell you that…. But… What if I told you something else instead?…" He stuttered awkwardly. I was now even more curious then before, "Go on," I said motioning him to continue. "Well… I haven't really told anyone about this, but… I want to tell you because I care about you and I don't like keeping things from you,' he started. " I… feel a way about guys… That I should feel towards girls and… I don't know why but I do."

I blinked a couple of times, not because what he said was even remotely surprising – but because I somehow didn't guess beforehand…. How the hell did I NOT get it? It's so blindingly obvious, hell, his name is one letter away from being Yaoi.

I then noticed the look he was giving me, it was that puppy dog look. Just waiting for a response but afraid of when it comes. I tried to figure out what to say, "Okay." Now it was him who was blinking. Goddamn it, could I reeaaalllyy not think of a better response…!?

"W-w-wait what..?" I shrugged deciding to go for the 'apathetic' response, "I don't mind. Who you love is who you love. Besides, it's not like it's a choice." In response he gave me a sincere smile of gratitude. I smiled back, relaxing in my own skin for once.

I reached forward and moved a strand of his hair behind his ear to comfort him, almost as if to say I care. And from his expression, I could tell he was grateful. Honestly I didn't think it was that big of a deal, though clearly I was mistaken. Because from the way he was acting, I could tell that for him it was a very big deal.

He said he hasn't told anyone. Does that mean he's been keeping it a secret all this time? But…Why? I knew it would be a bad idea to ask him, so I didn't. And it turns out I didn't need to, because that's when I figured it out myself.

I remembered what he told me about his father… It really shouldn't surprise me that Naoi wouldn't feel comfortable telling someone like that, regardless as to whether he's his father or not. His father was already crushing Naoi under the pressure, He probably figured that coming out would just add logs to an already scorching fire. Which was something he really didn't need, especially since he was already at odds with his father.

I had never met the man, so maybe I'm not at liberty to judge. But I can honestly say that I hate him with every fibre in my body – a term I don't use so lightly. But my overall feelings of anger towards his father didn't cause me to forget what this whole ordeal was about; Naoi.

Naoi and I were then drowned in a comfortable silence. Not a normal silence though, the kind where words weren't exchanged but rather thoughts. Because words weren't needed, we understood each other perfectly, with or without speech. It's the kind of silence that says 'I've got your back' in a way we could both mutually understand.

As the pessimistic thoughts started to fade, the more heart-warming thoughts came into effect. Of all people he could have told… He told me. He trusted me. How I felt at this thought could be best described as… flattered.

I felt my fingertips tingle slightly from where I touched his hair, and almost simultaneously I felt a comfortable warmth in my chest. It's funny… But no matter how many times Naoi and I end up in these stupid 'heart to hearts' we always seem to realise there's something we don't know about each other. And I like it that way! Finding out something new every time I talk to him makes me feel like we're constantly getting closer and closer.

"Thanks for telling me…" I said breaking the silence"…I like it when you tell me stuff." I finished. Naoi smiled and got up. "I'm going to the roof to get some fresh air, care to join me?" I grinned and nodded.


	5. Winter And Closure

Time continues to pass. Slowly by slowly days went by and before I knew it, it was winter. I'm not sure what triggered it –but suddenly people started appearing in this world of ours. It was kinda funny… We went months without anyone passing to this world and now that it's winter we're getting at least one or two people a week. At first I didn't make the correlation; I guess it makes sense though. It's only natural that more people would die in winter. It makes me cringe to think about it that way, but a horrifying fact is still a fact. No matter how tragic.

Now that I think about it, I'm still not sure how this world's supposed to function. Even now I'm only speculating. To be entirely honest I have no idea whether more people appearing in winter is an explainable occurrence or pure coincidence. Truth is, I honestly don't care.

The only things I can be sure of is what's in front of my eyes. I know that Mapo Tofu really grows on you, that the snow is a bitch to walk in, that the people who pass through this world are deeply disturbed, and -most importantly- I am certain that Naoi will never leave me.

We've grown closer and closer recently. I guess that's what happens when you have no one else for company and get hauled up in a school…

Getting people to pass on is actually very easy. So far only a couple of people put up a fight. One of them was an aggressive dropout and the other a drug induced pre-teen. Though in the end, they -like everyone else- came to pass. I've seen someone of everyone at this point. I've seen people who were abandoned, kids that lost everything, teenagers lead astray by sorrow, guilt, revenge or anguish. I've seen the mental cases, the lone wolfs, the gangsters and the trigger happy fuck ups. I've seen them all.

I don't think it would be half as easy without Naoi's help. His ability to read minds meant that I knew exactly what to say and exactly what to do. Perhaps it counts as manipulation- hell, if it wasn't for the circumstances I would be completely against it. But in this particular circumstance, I believe that the end justifies the means.

This one, however… was not so easy. She was a young girl –a year or two younger than myself. She was actually quite beautiful, but also very stubborn. Her eyes burned with intimidation… I could honestly feel her eyes piercing my skin.

I remember standing at the side of the classroom with Naoi as we watched her. He whispered to me all her thoughts. Every idea, every influence- all of it. Deciphering her thoughts was difficult. All I could gather from what he told me was that she felt unfulfilled. Which doesn't really say much considering this is a place where unfulfilled people go.

He told me about her tragic past, that didn't help. He told me about her death, even that didn't help. The only noteworthy thing he told me was her 'yearning to help people,' but I failed to come up with a way of helping that.

As she stood there screaming at me I tried to remember what Naoi told me. Though it was difficult to concentrate with the girl's distressed yells and flapping arms… I couldn't really hear what she was yelling; I seem to recall her yelling something about 'God' and a lot of swearing but the rest was lost in her shrill voice. I looked across the room at Naoi desperately as if to say 'what the fuck do I do?' Naoi looked as if he was contemplating something when suddenly his eyes brightened. Naoi quickly came up to me and the girl whilst all I could do was try and figure out what's happening.

"Excuse me, could I please speak to Otanashi for a moment?" The girl's outrage was replaced by a puzzled gaze. She nodded slowly. Naoi pulled me to the side of the classroom and spoke in a low tone to avoid prying ears.

"You have to convince her to join SSS." My eyes widened and I blinked a couple of times. "What? Why?" I asked. "Think about it, Otanashi," Naoi began. "Do you remember what I said earlier? That she yearned to help people? Well, maybe this is her chance to help people." I started to understand and couldn't help but beat myself up for not thinking of that earlier.

I nodded and without another word stepped over to the girl. I tried my very best to explain everything to her. Honestly, I'm not sure if she actually believed me or if she just wanted to. But nevertheless, she agreed.

I immediately started to regret my decision. Rethink it at very least. Something about her just didn't seem right. I realise this is paranoia; probably caused by my isolation. 'So we have another member now…' was all I could think of for the next hour. I wasn't really sure what that would mean, nor whether it was good or not. Naoi seems to have reacted very calmly…. Maybe I should try to mimic that…

We arrived back into the office and briefed her over everything. Still she retained her cold and collected attitude. I can't help but wonder if that's just a coping mechanism or whether she's really like that.

Beyond what I can only assume was a façade of attitude, I couldn't help but notice a hint or something else. I'm not entirely sure what it was… Maybe it was anger, resentment, fear or loneliness. Though it's probably just confusion.

She told us she was going to get something to eat. She was probably overwhelmed; I know I was when I first came her. I watched her flowing hair as she left and lay on the sofa. Suddenly, time slowed down for a moment. Everything with that girl had happened so quickly, but now he had time to breath.

Naoi came over and lay on the couch besides me. He lay his head against my chest and I stroked his silky hair that I knew all too well. We had reached the stage where words were no longer required. Before, we talked constantly. But after a month or so, we learned to read each other's actions. When I was hungry, I'd pull lightly on his wrist a few times. When he needed to pee he'd stand up and sway a little until I got up. When I got chest pains I'd sit up and he'd hand me painkillers. Little subtleties like that. And when Naoi got tired or even just wanted a hug, he'd lie on the couch using me as a head rest.

I found out that he likes it when people touch his hair. Which isn't a problem… Especially since I love touching his hair.

My hand got slower and slower until my hand laid on his hair motionless. I felt myself getting closer and closer to sleep, when….

"She's pretty, isn't she…?" It took me a moment to wake up and realise what he'd just said. All I could do was blink a couple of times. It didn't sound like a question. But not an accusation either. More of an innocent statement. "Urm… I guess. Why?"

Naoi said nothing for a while before mumbling "no reason."

I could tell something was wrong, but didn't know if I wanted to press on the subject. I decided to say nothing. Instead I just closed my eyes and inhaled deeply.

As I was starting to drift off to sleep, I was interrupted yet again. The girl had skipped into the office rather loudly, ranting about some nonsense. Her words were cut off when she saw Naoi and I lying on the couch together. Naoi starting sitting up slowly and I realised what we must have looked like…oh

"Oh, I'm sorry. I had no idea you two were…" She said pointing between the two of us.

Even though I saw it coming, her words still shocked me. "W-W-What? N-N-No, it's not like that I swear," I stutter like a sheepish idiot. Naoi looks at me and rolls his eyes at my defensiveness. "It's not what you think, Otonashi and I are just friends," Naoi calmly explains.

Naoi's nonchalant explanation makes me mentally kick myself for my stupid reaction… I know I overreacted; I'm not really sure why I overreacted though. Honestly, I've only just realised how "couply" Naoi and I must look to other people. I guess I'd never realised because you just stop caring what people think of you when you're not around people anymore.

"Right…" the girl said ironically, obviously not believing us. "Anyway, can either of you help with the vending machines? They were so different at my old school." I volunteered myself by nodding and standing up. I followed behind her as she skipped to the vending machines. I have a feeling that Naoi also tagged along, but that's mainly because he hates being on his own. He says it's because it reminds him too much of what it was like before he joined SSS.

We walked to the vending machines with the girl leading the way. She hurried ahead whilst I walked closely behind listening to her natter on about something or another. I smiled and nodded whilst trying to keep up with what she was talking about but struggling to remember what the subject matter was.

I really was listening, but then my mind shifted to Naoi. Naoi was walking quite far behind us; distancing himself and staying hidden in shadows.

When we arrived at the vending machines, I showed her how to use it and which buttons to press. The girl consistently apologised for taking so long to figure it out, to which I would just laugh it off and tell her not to worry. I didn't mind. I really didn't. Some people just didn't get things as easily as other people and there's nothing wrong with that. I remember how frustrated I used to get when other people in my class understood the material better than me.

After she figured out how to use it, we decided to just hang around the vending machines for a while. She's changed a lot since we first met. Before she was cold and detached, now she's happy, kind, bubbly and even a little awkward. I definitely prefer her now. Her personality brings back so many memories of the past SSS members; it makes me oddly nostalgic.

I can't help but notice Naoi isn't here. I look around quizzically trying to find him and spot him hidden round a dark corner (somewhat similarly to how Shiina used to.) We exchanged a quick smile and I motioned for Naoi to come join us. Naoi shook his head to kindly decline. I sighed but decided not to pester him and turned my attention back to the excited girl in front of me.

We talked for a while longer until I was tired at which point I showed her to her dorm and returned to the office. I arrived back at the Principal's Office and laid down on the couch with my eyes closed. A moment later I heard the door open and Naoi entered; I could tell it was Naoi because I've memorised the sound his shoes make. I felt the couch shift as Naoi sat on it and adjusted himself so that he was lying on my chest again.

"She's excitable…" Naoi mumbled. I chuckled a little and mumbled "mmhmm" sleepily. We laid there in silence for a while and I was beginning to drift off to sleep. Then Naoi started using his fingers to trace circles into my chest, almost as if he had something to say but was too hesitant. I pretended that I hadn't noticed, yet I was secretly waiting for something to happen. I felt Naoi take a breath as if he was going to say something but it was cut short as if he changed his mind. I waited for a few more seconds but then, "She was flirting with you."

Okay… I was not expecting that.

"Wait, What!? What brought that on!?" I asked loudly; no longer feeling tired but rather very confused.

I moved my head slightly to see Naoi's face and I was about to say something to counter what he said. Then I realised something. When I saw his face, I realised he was sad. He really was honestly, genuinely and undeniably sad.

I sighed deeply. I had to know what was wrong, and this time I was not taking 'no reason' for an answer. I sat up using my arms to lift Naoi slightly. "What's wrong?" Naoi looked away from me and murmured "Nothing…"

I rolled my eyes out of frustration. No way is he getting away this time. I use my hand to move Naoi's face so that he's facing me and his eyes went downwards to avoid eye contact. "No, Naoi. It's not 'nothing.' You've been acting weird all day. Just tell me what's wrong." I said firmly.

Naoi sat there in silence and then slowly raised his head. I recoiled when Naoi looked up at me and I let go of Naoi's face. He looked me in the eyes with a scowl painted across the face. I'd seen him look at people like that before, only it was never me. And I won't lie; he was terrifying.

Then, he started shouting. "What's wrong!? Maybe it's that pretty little bitch! Or maybe it's that you're clearlin in love with her, or that you're clearly just using her to replace Kan-"

Naoi completely stopped talking and his eyes widened as he realised what he almost said. He put his hands over his mouth and even he was surprised by his words. I was angry… But not as angry as I think I should've been. It took me a few moments to realise what he had just said and I got more irritated by the second. How dare he bring up Kanade! Yet alone accuse me of replacing her. I would never replace anyone…Right?

I opened my mouth to say something, then shut it. I didn't retaliate. I didn't scream back or lash out. Not yet anyway. Instead, I stood up and started to turn around. I suddenly didn't want to be around people; I was exhausted and I was angry. I didn't want to have to think.

I started walking away and Naoi realised I was leaving. He hastily jumped up and ran up me; I can only assume he was scared about being left behind. He hugged the back of my coat tightly to stop me leaving and I just stood there motionless.

"W-W-Wait! Please don't leave me! I'm sorry! I'm so, so sorry! I shouldn't have brought her up, it was a terrible thing to do! I'm so sorry! Please don't go! You can yell at me if it will make you feel better. You can even hit me if you want!" Naoi was practically screaming for forgiveness. Trying so, so hard to make me stay… So why did it make me so angry?

I shove Naoi off of me ready to shout at him. I don't really know what I want to say. Maybe warn him, tell him to never mention Kanade's name again. Maybe call him a nasty name or tell him to not speak to me. But when I turn around with my mouth open ready to spew something horrid at him, I see him truly distraught. I could tell whatever the problem was, it was bigger than him just getting pissed at our new 'recruit.' He's blaming her, but I think he's just trying to deflect his own feelings. I've heard about people doing that before. I think one of my old friends referred to it as 'projecting' or something like that.

He was standing there sobbing; practically shaking. I couldn't hold back a slight sigh. Am I never going to get any sleep? "Come here…" I mutter and pull him into a hug. He sobbed a little more and placed his head in the crook of my neck. "I'm sorry…" He muttered in a voice that was barely audible. I replied by shushing him as a silent way of saying 'don't worry about it.'

When he calmed down, I pulled him away lightly and lightly tugged on his wrist to bring him to the couch. We sat down again and I stroked his hair lightly a few times to calm him down. When his breathing returned to normal I removed my hand to give him some space.

"What's wrong?" I ask him again. This time quieter and more sincerely. Naoi played with his hands in his lap and only mumbled "I don't know…"

I'm frustrated by his answer, but make an effort to not show it as I can tell he's telling the truth. Instead I just rub his back to try and comfort him. "I really am sorry about bringing her up… I know you're not trying to replace her, I don't know why I said that."

"I know…" I said in reply. I paused for a couple of seconds before continuing. "I dunno, it's just weird… What you said annoyed me, but… I just feel like…" I couldn't think of a way to describe it.

"Like it should've hurt more?" Naoi guessed. I nodded meekly if not a little guiltily. "It… It's just…" I try to find my words but they're once again lost to me.

I try to explain, however the only way of explaining it that I can think of is, "It feels… over." Naoi nods in a way to try and show understanding, but I can tell he's confused. I can't blame him; I'm confused too.

"It's like…. When she first disappeared, something felt missing. No matter what I did, I felt like there was something that should be here, but wasn't. But I don't feel that way anymore. Now she's just… a distant memory. Honestly, I can barely even remember what it's like to be around her. I haven't thought about her for so long, I feel like we're over. It feels like…" I pause trying to think of the word.

"Closure." Naoi finishes. I smile sadly but feel oddly complete, "Is this closure?" Naoi shrugs, "It sounds like it."

We sit there in silence for a short while and I try to not become a wreck. And I don't really know what to think anymore… "Do you think I'm totally horrible for getting over her so quickly?"

Naoi shakes his head, "No, it makes you human." Naoi opens his mouth to say something else but pauses for a moment. "Can I ask you something?" I nod. "Do you… Do you like that girl?" He asks innocently, probably to emphasise that despite his earlier actions he won't be mad if I say yes.

I smile but shake my head. "No, I don't like her." I answer simply. He smiles and looks suspiciously happy. But I think nothing of it. He then laughs and shakes his head a little, "I'm sorry, I guess I'm… I guess I'm just a little jealous."

Okay, Now I'm confused.

I blink a couple of times. "W-what? Why would you be jealous? She doesn't even like me. And I thought you said you wer- I-I mean not that it's a problem if you aren't but I thought you said you wer- well I just thought you were kinda gay. N-N-Not that it's a problem if…" I trail off as I realise my words are no longer making any sense and knowing I'd probably say something offensive if I kept talking...

Naoi laughed. "I didn't mean it like that. I don't like her." His voice is completely calm, and leaves no room for extra meaning. I blink a couple of times.

Okay… Now I'm even more confused.

"Wait. I don't get it. If you don't like her then why are you jealous?" Naoi smiles sincerely and hesitates, opening his mouth a couple of times like he's going to say something. Eventually he takes a deep breath and looks me strait in the eyes. "Because she's the one I'm jealous of."


	6. What I Want?

I stood there completely speechless. I was in such a daze that it took me a moment to realise what he'd said. He was jealous of... her? I didn't want to admit to myself what he had just said. I didn't want to admit that he was clearly confessing something to me. It would be easier if I didn't. Only I couldn't. I can be pretty naïve, but what he said was clear as day. And just as troubling too...

I stared at Naoi with my mouth half open, not knowing what to say. I tried to speak, but nothing happened. Naoi stared back calmly but I could also sense anticipation; like no matter how I responded, he would hold his ground. He looked like he was waiting for me to say something. Not something good or bad per se, just... something. But after a few moments I still couldn't say anything and I still couldn't think of a response. All I did was watch as his face slowly filled with guilt. He looked almost disappointed. I really hadn't meant to respond that way. I just couldn't think of anything to do... What was I supposed to say? How can I sound supportive but also not demeaning or patronising in a situation like this?

"It's okay... I know that you don't feel the same way. I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't have said anything. I just couldn't keep quiet any longer. We can just forget this right...?" Naoi's voice was timid, quiet and heartbreaking. He sounded so desperate.

A few moments later of silence went by and Naoi truly looked like he was about to have a panic attack. "Please say something." He spoke in what was barely a whisper and his voice cracked as he struggled to finish the sentence.

I quickly rushed to say something, I'm not sure what. Anything. But just as words were about to leave my mouth I overheard a group of girls walking along the hallways. They laughed loudly and I briefly turned to the direction the noise came from when I overheard the door shut. I turned back and Naoi was gone.

Well shit.

I rushed to the door to see if I could catch him, but he was no where to be seen. He's fast, I'll give him that.

My mind was buzzing. He really liked me? How had I not realised before... Now that I think about it, all the signs were there. All of the events of the past flashed in front of me. I remembered him talking about the person he liked, how he said 'being friends was enough.' It never even crossed my mind that the person might be me. I just wish I'd noticed sooner. I panicked and tried to figure out where he would have gone. He's smart, smart enough to avoid me. So no matter how hard I try, I figured I'd never find him. But I couldn't just give up, could I?

I first checked the roof, then outside, then the canteen, then the classrooms and yet I still couldn't find him.

I looked around at all the places I knew where familiar to him. But as suspected, he was nowhere to be seen. I looked inside the canteen for the third time, though at this point I really was ready to just slam my head against a wall. I yawned loudly and suddenly I felt extremely tired again.

I looked outside. It was dark, very dark. It must be past midnight at least.

I knew that at this point the best solution would be to just go to bed. But I felt restless. I had to see him, and my mind wouldn't stop screaming until I do. My mind was racing and everything felt unreal without him... A feeling that closely resembled how I felt when Kanade passed on.

My thoughts lingered on Naoi. I thought about how he smelt, how his hair felt, how smooth his skin was, his voice. It felt like Naoi was a drug. And without him, I was just left with the bitter withdrawal symptoms. Damn it... I know I'm being really needy again. It's just... I really need to see him.

I really need sleep at the same time though... I wasn't like him. When he needed to, Naoi could focus for hours. I really can't...

I'm easily distracted and get tired far too quickly. Not great traits for a doctor I'll admit.

I'm surprised that he's still awake. It's... really late.

I snapped out of my hazy state when I overheard feet skipping against the cold stone ground. I turned and saw it was the girl again, apparently I'm not the only who was feeling restless. When she noticed me she smiled boldly and waved. She still looked so energetic, I'm really starting to wonder whether she even know what sleep is.

"Hey, what are you still doing up?" I asked, trying to sound enthusiastic. A part of me really wanted to just snap at her. If it wasn't for her Naoi would never have said anything. But deep down I know it's not her fault and as much of a burden it is to know how he feels, it must have been a much bigger burden on him. So I know that I need to be nice to her.

"Oh, apparently someone's just appeared so Naoi sent me to help them." My eyes widened, "Wait, Naoi? You've been talking to him? Where is he now?" The girl looked a little confused but answered my questions anyway. "Yeah, Naoi. He was in his room when I spoke to him. Is something wrong? You both seem very distressed, did something happen?"

Oh... I hadn't checked his room. I mentally face palmed, how could I forget to check his room?

I shook my head, "N-no it's nothing. I need to go see him. Thank you. You go help whoever See ya." I ran away and she smiled happily and waved as I left. You know, I never did see her again. All I can assume is that helping someone pass along was enough to let her pass on. I'm happy for her.

As I rushed past the dorm rooms I tried to remember which one was Naoi's, but it was difficult. These days we normally just sleep in the principle's office. I can't really remember where anyone slept anymore.

Honestly, I don't even remember where I used to sleep.

Was it this room...? No, that was Iwasawa's..

Hmm... I'm pretty sure this room has always been empty.

Urm... That one used to be Yuri's... I think.

This one was Kanade's..

I passed by a couple more dorm rooms, but I can't remember who stayed in them.

And this one... I think this one's Naoi's.

I stood in front of the door and put my hand on the door knob. I was a little afraid of opening the door as I wasn't entirely sure I'd want to see Naoi's reaction. I stood for a few seconds and couldn't hear anything from inside. Maybe he's not in there.

I slowly opened the door and peered inside. It was dark and I had to squint to make anything out, but I could tell he wasn't there. I sighed deeply. I figured he wouldn't be in here prior to opening the door. But it still depressed me that he wasn't here.

I had no idea where else he could be. This really was my last shot. Maybe I should just go to bed. That way, if I do find him, we can talk when we've both had time to calm down. I didn't actually believe what I was thinking. But I forced myself to not contradict it. If I was ever going to get to sleep, I'd need to convince myself that what I thought was true.

I was too tired and distraught to move and my vision was becoming blurry, I fell back onto Naoi's bed. Maybe if I lie here for a bit then he'll come back.

I was too tired to refute this and felt myself falling into unconsciousness. I smiled into the sheets as I noticed it smelt like Naoi's conditioner. And everything went black.

I woke up the next morning at the crack of dawn. I wasn't sure how early it was, but I was still extremely tired and my eyes stung. I almost wanted to just go back to sleep, until I remembered what happened the day before.

I looked around. I guess Naoi didn't come back. I stood up and stretched, still feeling disoriented and half asleep. I made the bed so it looked the same as it did when I arrived and stood up to leave. Before I could leave though, I noticed a piece of paper sitting on the centre of Naoi's desk.

I would have thought nothing of it, until I noticed Otonashi scribbled on the top. I walked over to the desk and unfolded the piece of paper. It was a letter from Naoi adressed to me.

So he did come back...

I couldn't help but feel a little weird that Naoi sneaked into the room, wrote a letter and then left without saying anything. Though this is his room so...

I shook my head and looked at the note again.

His handwriting was careful, proving to me that he must have spent a while writing it. I started carefully reading the note, being cautious so I don't miss anything out.

Dear Otonashi,

I want you to know that I'm not mad at you and I really hope you're not mad at me. I'm really sorry for just running of like that, but I didn't know what else to do. I'm okay, I promise. I just need some time alone to think.

When I've calmed down I'll come back. Then we can just go back to being friends like we were before. I'm sorry for putting strain on our friendship.

~Naoi

I blinked a few times. I stood still, my mind numb as I tried to figure out how I felt. It took me a while to absorb what was in the letter. But I still didn't know what to think.

Relief should have rushed over me. He wasn't mad at me and he wanted to still be my friend. It's exactly what I wanted. I smiled a little, but the smile was short lived as the smile quickly turned into a frown. Something didn't feel right. This was exactly what I wanted, so why did it feel so wrong?

Confusion washed over me and I wanted to scream. I just wanted Naoi back.

But that's when I began to realise. The touch of Naoi's skin, the feel of his hair, the sound of his voice. Suddenly, every emotional turmoil became unimportant. Each and every ghost of the past was forgotten. Every thought that previously confused me didn't matter. All my thoughts became clearer and nothing troubled me anymore... It was about time I act on my own emotions. I realised that to be happy, I'd have to be decisive.

Going back to being friends again won't make me happy... Because that's not what I want.

"Naoi..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes:Well this is... urm... late.
> 
> Thought I was gone? Well I wouldn't blame you. I know I've had trouble uploading on time but... 5 months...? Well I guess better late then never. I honestly didn't think it had been as long as it has. Then a few days ago I logged in to my account again and I was like 'Woah I need to update.'
> 
> All of my coursework has made me really exhausted and writing essays for English has really destroyed my creativity. I mean, I love English. But I feel English at GCSE is all about writing what you're expected to write, not about what you really think of the books. Like you have to perceive the book a certain way. Is it just me or does anyone else feel like that? (Can I just quickly say that 'I'm The King Of The Castle' is an abomination of a book.)
> 
> *cough cough* Anywayyy... The chapter follows a very different formula to previous chapters, whilst the previous chapters are almost entirely focused on Otonashi's thought patterns, this is focused much more on what he actually does. So I'm not entirely sure how this will be received.
> 
> I don't think I wrote the ending very well so I'd quickly like to say what I meant to do. Re-reading it I think it sounds a bit like all of Otonashi's problems just go away when he realises he likes Naoi which wasn't my intent. Basically what happens is Otonashi notices that everything hes done isn't really about him. He sort of just goes with the flow for the entire series. So at the end of the chapter he realises that rather then just questioning everything (which he's been doing in previous chapters) and doing what he's expected to do he just needs to actually do something and resolves to be more decisive about his feelings. (Does that make any sense?)
> 
> I re-read all my previous chapters whilst cringing the fuck out. I mean...wow... You guys must really love me to go through that. I'm probably going to re-write previous chapters with the help of awesome criticism I've received at some point but not before finishing it first.
> 
> This will probably be the second the last chapter. I really do love you all and if any of you wanna talk online that'd be cool.
> 
> As always criticism is always appreciated:) Love you alls.


	7. I Always Get By

Naoi was a peculiar person.

He was the kind of character who could keep you guessing. He would frown in times of joy and yet would somehow smile in times of great distress. His expression would often be impossible to see through and would betray what he was actually thinking. No one could tell what he was really

thinking or feeling.

Until recently, I thought myself different. I thought that we could understand each other better then anyone. I thought that I would always be able to figure out what he's thinking. But now I'm not so sure. Naoi was good at making anyone second guess themselves; even me.

'Naoi...'

So when Naoi planned to make himself impossible to find, I should have known that's how he'd remain.

'Naoi.'

But I really need to find him.

'Naoi.'

I have to find him!

'Naoi!'

I leaned back on a wall. Exhausted and drained from walking around the school all day. I wiped my forehead with the back of my hand and felt my hand get soaked by the cold sweat that was clinging to my skin. I was sweating like hell from all the moving around, but at the same time it was freezing outside. I was shivering beyond comfort from both the cold and my nerves leaving me feeling completely grossed out.

I must have looked everywhere in the school now, there's no way he's that good at hiding. Or maybe he is and it's just something I've never noticed.

Or maybe...

He's not even in the school?

I looked outside and considered the probability. I had checked outside yesterday, but I just assumed that today he wouldn't go outside because of the weather. It was so cloudy that it was still dark despite it being not long after mid day, and the wind was so strong that it dragged rain drops. Surely he wouldn't go out in this kind of weather?

And yet I don't think that it would be too out of character for him either...

I spent a few more minutes loitering before I finally decided to suck it up and go look for him outside. There was no way I was giving up now. I considered having a shower and changing first so that I could warm up first. But I didn't think it worth it since I'd just be getting cold and soaked anyway. And I could just tell that spending more time procrastinating would only make me more nervous.

I took a step outside, already slightly regretting my choice. I stood still for a moment to get used to the strength of the wind, and when I became certain that the wind would not push me off course, I started walking.

I briefly forgot what I was doing and considered going back inside. But I couldn't do that, I had to find Naoi.

Oh... why didn't I bring a coat...?

First I looked in the most obvious places, but then I realised that if he was trying to hide from me he'd probably pick somewhere not so obvious to hide. I'd have to think carefully... He's smart.

So smart he's probably hiding somewhere so hidden, so secretive, so... Oh hang on a second.

I caught Naoi in the corner of my eyes leaning against a pillar in plain sight. Okay... So maybe he's not trying to hide as much as I thought.

My breath got caught in my throat and it took me a moment to remember to breathe. I'd suddenly forgotten everything I was planning to say and I briefly reflected on how I ended up in this predicament. I started to wonder, is this really worth it? Was every conversation, every awkward encounter really worth this complicated mess?

As soon as I even wondered the question, it seemed ridiculous to me. Because of course it's worth it, it's Naoi. Naoi is worth over a thousand words, over a million encounters. And even then he would still be worth it.

He still hasn't seen me... I gathered my feet under me and approached Naoi, making sure to move quick enough to prevent me having second thoughts. My heart was racing and I could feel my heartbeat in my ears like drums. I felt completely numb, I had to make a conscious effort to breathe properly and even then it was difficult because of the ball I could feel in the back of my throat.

I quickly advanced and found myself only meters behind Naoi. He must of heard me because he started to turn around.

Too late to turn back now...

When he turned around, we locked eyes. He looked surprised for a moment, but his eyes quickly changed to a look I couldn't quite understand. Almost like he was looking strait through me.

I couldn't take the silence anymore, but I didn't know what to say, "Naoi... I-"

"Just tell me," he interrupted. I blinked a couple of times from confusion.

"Tell you what?" I asked, not entirely sure what he was getting at.

"Tell me that you love me."

I felt the words shoot daggers into my skin. The truth has never made me want to disappear so bad. But Naoi looked completely destroyed, so I decided that now would be a bad time to test his patience.

"How did you...?" To me this seemed like a pretty obvious question, but Naoi rolled his eyes like it was the most stupid question I could possibly ask.

"I can read minds. Remember?"

Oh yeah... I'd forgotten about that. There was a couple of moments silence before Naoi said, much more sadly, "Just tell me.."

Time seemed to freeze. I couldn't think anymore, my feelings were so overwhelming that it completely numbed any common sense. I couldn't seem to move my mouth to talk and I wouldn't have known what to say anyway. So instead, in an almost daze like state I put a hand on his cheek.

It took him a moment to realise what I was about to do but he didn't have time to react as I pulled him towards me and kissed him.

Naoi froze up for a moment but then loosened up and put a hand on my forearm and kissed me back. My mind was set on fire and everything just felt so right. Suddenly I realised something and pushed him back a little bit.

"Hang on a sec, I thought you promised to not read my mind anymore."

Naoi smiled mischievously at me, "I lied." He laughed a little and then pulled me back down to kiss me.

I smiled happily in a wonderful bliss. I held him tightly in my embraced, scared at the idea of ever losing him. But that was a worry for another day. He was with me now, and that was the only reassurance I needed.

Perhaps this won't be forever. But I don't need a promise of eternity. This moment is perfectly fine with me.

No matter what happens. No matter how many times I end up heartbroken or lonely. No matter how many times I have to go through the same problems again and again. I'll be okay.

Besides, I always get by.


End file.
